My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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