I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
