the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
