He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
