dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
