dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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