i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
