And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
