I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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