There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My liver just had a heart attack.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
