Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
