I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
