just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
