Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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