It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
