I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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