I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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