I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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