I looked at my own cervix.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
