The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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