he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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