there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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