all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
