I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
