Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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