I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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