You're earring is so big in my mouth
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
