Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
