My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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