I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
