How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I need moral support for this bender
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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