just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
