i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i love accidental penises.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
