So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
