Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
