I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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