I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
honey bunches of taint.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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