..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
