There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You are a genius and a whore.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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