he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
