He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
