just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
