Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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