we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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