I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I can text with my tongue
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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