Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
