Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i now understand why vodka
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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