Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
