dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
