Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
be right there i have to get my cape
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
