I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
